


How Hubert von Vestra Stole Christmas

by Oricalle



Category: Fire Emblem Heroes, Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Gen, Heroes Setting, Holidays, Humor, Some OOC for Humor, it's a very goofy fic hubert's the grinch what else can i say, post-timeskip characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:08:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28242930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oricalle/pseuds/Oricalle
Summary: Edelgard is trying to ingratiate herself to the other Heroes in Askr by buying them the perfect presents, but when Hubert becomes aware of her gift for him, he must take drastic action to stop the festivities before it's too late.
Relationships: Edelgard von Hresvelg & Hubert von Vestra
Comments: 8
Kudos: 24





	How Hubert von Vestra Stole Christmas

It was winter time in Askr, and the halls were full of good cheer. Just as the Heroes shared their own fantastic tales, the Summoner brought legends as well. One of them, the tale of “Santa Claus”, had caught on fantastically well.

And so the halls were decked, stockings stuffed, gingerbread baked and trees topped with tinsel. There were gumdrops and giggles and snowmen and smiles, and who could forget frolicking in the fresh-fallen snow? Not a Hero around could keep up a frown! 

Except, of course, for one.

Hubert von Vestra hated the holidays. He hated the excess cheer, the cloyingly sweet scents, the needless merriment and the utterly untidy halls. Gumdrops made his teeth hurt and tinsel got caught in his hair. If he had his way, he would cancel the whole thing and replace it with a much more prudent festival, one that wasn’t quite so obnoxiously...festive.

But Hubert didn’t have his way. So he simply spent many days barricaded in his room, sipping weak coffee from a stained goblet because evidently there was not a single mug in this entire wretched excuse for a castle. Some day, the ridiculous festivities would be over, and he would be able to stalk the halls in peace once more.

It was not yet that day.

A loud knock sounded at his door, which caused the sorcerer to raise his eyebrow. Hubert was not the type who got frequent visitors. His former assigned roommate, one Hilda Goneril, had demanded to be transferred after becoming sick of his “heinous vibes”. Good riddance, he thought. And so, Hubert responded in the usual way.

“Leave.” he called.

“Hubert? It’s me.” 

That voice, even muffled by the door, was enough to drag Hubert to his feet. Lady Edelgard had arrived. That was unusual. Despite their close bond, Hubert was almost always the one who came to her chambers, not the other way around. Were it anyone else, Hubert would have been terribly suspicious of this breach in the norms of their relationship, but he trusted Lady Edelgard. She was possessed of a rare talent, the ability to earn and hold Hubert von Vestra’s respect. Edelgard was a sharp thinker, a cunning strategist, a devoted warrior, and an elegant ruler, one who never let herself be seen at any less than her finest.

So it was the second surprise of the morning when Hubert opened his door and saw his lady dressed in a bright-green bodysuit and an utterly foolish red hat.

“Hubert, I am here on urgent business.” Edelgard stated, the tiny bell attached to her cap jingling as she spoke. Hubert stepped back and gestured towards the table near the rear of the room, following behind his liege as they both took seats.

“What might that be, Lady Edelgard?” Hubert asked.

“I would like to request that you accompany me on a trip into town.” As she spoke, he tried to avert his eyes from her garish ensemble as inconspicuously as he could. “I am going to try a bit of holiday shopping, and I’d welcome your help.”

“Lady Edelgard, really…Do you plan to engage in all of this...reckless merrymaking as well?”

“That I do, Hubert.” She crossed her arms, attempting to look as regal as one could while dressed as one of Santa’s helpers. “We are still quite new to this realm, and I believe some of our new allies still find.... _us_ (she stressed, unconvincingly) somewhat frightening. Surely you know the virtues of cooperation in combat, or did I make a mistake when I appointed you as my lead adviser?”

With a sigh, Hubert drained the rest of his goblet of coffee. “Once again, your tactical acumen is dazzling, Your Majesty. Do you have a plan?”

“Indeed.” she replied, as Hubert expected she would. It was utterly unlike Edelgard to do much of anything without a healthy dose of scheming, and so when she revealed her crimson-bound notebook from her chest-pocket, he was not surprised.

She sprawled it open, revealing a lengthy list scrawled in the Emperor’s meticulous script. A number of Heroes were listed, accompanied by lists of gifts. 

“I am planning to go to the city outside the castle to procure these, but I’ll need your help. I cannot play the role of Santa Claus alone.”

“That...does bring to mind a question I had, Your Majesty. If you were so intent on this celebration, why did you not dress yourself as Santa Claus himself?”

A twinge of anger flitted across Edelgard’s face.

“All of the costumes were too big.”

By the time Hubert and Edelgard reached Askr’s castle town, the sun was high in the sky and snow was falling in gentle waves. The townsfolk were out in force, laughing and frolicking amongst the holiday sights.

The mirth failed to lift Hubert’s spirits as his boots crunched through piles of half-melted slush, knocking tiny plumes of mud onto the lower reaches of his trousers. Edelgard, at least, seemed to be in a better mood, flipping through her book and excitedly relaying stories of how she’d gathered such critical information.

“So after I agreed to spar with her, Mia was speaking so excitedly about this new brand of whetstone, so I engaged her in conversation in order to learn more, and that’s how I discovered that-”

It sounded to him like his lady had just finally relaxed enough to enjoy socializing and was disguising it as some sort of master plan, but he wouldn’t be the one to break that illusion for her.

He was half-lead, half-dragged by Edelgard towards a corner shop that seemed to be fully decorated for the season, the windows filled with wreaths and gingerbread houses. He was always more of a sourdough fan, but so long as there were no ear-splitting carolers lurking inside the storefront, he supposed he would survive.

“Welcome!” called an ear-splitting voice, mere moments after Edelgard pushed open the door. As the Adrestians wiped their boots on the snowman-shaped welcome mat, a familiar red-haired woman emerged from behind the counter, a bell attached to her green felt hat jingling as she came.

“Anna?” Edelgard tilted her head in confusion.

“That’s me!” replied the clerk, grinning wide.

Hubert furrowed his brow. It struck him as strange, even after meeting the Order’s identical commander, that the woman before them looked exactly like the merchant they’d often encountered hawking her goods outside of Garreg Mach. Some aspects of the apparent multiverse were enough to keep him up at night.

“Welcome to Anna’s Gifts! What can I do for the two of you?” Anna asked, cutting short Hubert and Edelgard’s existential panicking.

Carefully, Edelgard opened her notebook, moving to show it to the merchant.

“I have some ideas in mind, would you assist me in searching for them?”

As Edelgard and Anna began the work of hunting down some of the items on the Emperor’s meticulous shopping list, Hubert was left to stalk the shelves, perusing the gift shop’s garish inventory. It seemed that Anna (this Anna?) stocked her store with whatever seemed to fit her fancy, piling decorative pillows next to quivers and scabbards, flanked on either side by a collection of bizarre candies. It had the distinct aura of being so disorganized it had to have been _planned_ , and reminded him of Bernadetta’s apartment back in Enbarr. He had to begrudgingly respect such handmade chaos.

Continuing to search the eclectic shelves, not entirely sure what he was even looking for, he came across something that made him recoil in disgust.

Up against the north wall, next to an advertisement for custom-made pottery, he came face-to-lapel with the most terrifying sweater he had ever encountered.

It was woven with disgustingly fluffy wool, dyed in only the most eye-searing tints of red and green, and arranged in a terrible gingham pattern. All of this, however, paled in comparison to the sheer horrific quality of the chest decoration, a plush cat with its paws outstretched from the garment’s cloth. Above it, in ironed on letters, it declared:

“HAVE A PURRFECT HOLIDAYS”

Suddenly nauseous, Hubert had to put a hand on the wall to steady himself as he recovered, averting his eyes from the mortifying display. As he staggered back to his full height, he watched Edelgard and Anna approaching from an adjacent aisle.

“Fireproof Blankets! Aisle thirteen, right past the Card Game products!” Anna declared.

Edelgard ignored the trading cards (what a ludicrous hobby) and dropped one of the blankets into a paper bag. She seemed to have quite a collection of already filled bags hanging from her arms, taking full advantage of the muscle growth afforded by swinging an enormous axe about on the regular. She smiled as she saw Hubert, shaking her arm slightly to indicate her substantial haul.

“Halfway there!” she said, a spring in her step as she approached her morose retainer. Hubert replied with a nod, quite excited to leave this shop as quickly as possible and avoid any further contact with the terrible-

“Oh my!” Edelgard gasped, and Hubert watched with horror as she brushed a gloved hand against the offending garment. “This is...quite a piece.”

Anna’s grin turned disturbingly wolfish. “It is indeed! That’s an Anna’s Gifts original! A deluxe festive outfit with added embellishments. It’s one of a kind!”

“Thank goodness.” Hubert mumbled, under his breath. Neither woman seemed to have heard him, thankfully, but the fact that Edelgard had not moved on from the terrible sweater. She, in fact, seemed to be looking it over with an appraising eye.

A chill ran down his spine. Quickly, he searched for anything at all that could dissuade her from wanting to replace her already ludicrous costume with its much uglier cousin.

“Lady Edelgard, it would seem to me that...that sweater is meant for someone quite...tall! Is it not?”

Anna pouted. “Oh yeah. Sorry, I think he’s right, that thing’s going to be too big for you.”

To Hubert’s great relief, Edelgard released the cursed fabric from between her fingers and stepped away, in pursuit of the next item on her endless list, a set of silver cookware. Hubert finally allowed himself to exhale.

By the time Edelgard had completed her shopping, she held no less than six bags looped across various points on her arms. Three bags rested in Hubert’s arms, and a fairly large amount of Edelgard’s coinpurse had been emptied onto Anna’s counter.

As the shopkeeper gleefully arranged her loot, Edelgard turned to Hubert with a frown. 

“I apologize, Hubert, but I think I’ve forgotten a gift. Would you mind heading back to the castle ahead of me?”

“I would be most pleased to wait for you, your Highness.” Hubert replied, but Edelgard seemed keen to reject his offer of assistance. 

“I must insist, Hubert.”

Her expression was set in the familiar pout that let him know that the Emperor would not be changing her mind on this topic. Choosing not to fight a pointless battle, Hubert began his trek back to Castle Askr alone.

However, as he looked over his shoulder to see Edelgard reentering the gift shop, he felt a familiar shiver take root in his body.

Well. Hopefully that wouldn’t come to anything.

The remainder of Hubert’s day was quite routine. He found a lovely book on the history of Emblan assassins, made himself another goblet of coffee, and resolved to spend the rest of the evening in his dormitory, by the fireplace. However, as the afternoon crawled on, and the sky slowly changed from pale blue to deep black, a single irritating question wormed its way to the forefront of his mind.

_What exactly had Edelgard gone back for?_

It wasn’t like her to forget things, especially those as carefully planned as her shopping list. The Emperor was a perfectionist, constantly working herself to exhaustion to ensure every aspect of her many plans and schemes went off without flaw. It was one of the things he admired most about Edelgard (and there was much that Hubert admired about Edelgard). 

Combined with her suspicious insistence that he leave the gift shop before her, the evidence that Edelgard had something to hide was too notable for him to ignore. He’d simply visit her room and ensure she was alright. That wasn’t too much, certainly.

With a groan, Hubert unfolded himself from his position in the chair, stretching languidly before walking towards his door. As he prepared to pull it open, something stopped him in his tracks. 

There was a faint squeaking sound coming from the hall. A glance at his clock let him know that it was now in the small hours of the morning. Even the most nocturnal of the castle’s inhabitants were typically fast asleep by this time of night. And yet, the squeaking only grew louder, and he could hear footsteps along with it. Drawing on his spymaster instincts, Hubert pressed himself up against the wall, listening carefully as whatever the source of the sound stopped in front of his room.

Something was dropped near his door, and then the squeaking began again, carrying off further into the distance as the mysterious visitor walked away. Ever so slowly, Hubert cracked open the door, just in time to watch a wagon full of gifts disappear around the hallway corner.

Sitting next to Hubert’s door was a box, wrapped in gray paper (his second favorite color) with a black bow (his first favorite color). On a small piece of paper in the corner, a message was written.

“Dear Hubert,

Merry Christmas!

\- Edelgard von Hresvelg”

It was then that Hubert von Vestra realized something that made his blood run cold. 

This box was the exact same size and shape as a certain holiday sweater.

Panic was unavoidable, even for one as disciplined as Adrestia’s finest dark mage. He knew well that Edelgard would come to see him tomorrow, and be utterly crushed if he didn’t like his Christmas gift! However, the mere thought of pulling that _thing_ over his head made Hubert’s mouth feel dry. Surely just touching it would make him break out in hives. Or die. Probably die.

But making Her Highness sad would be just as devastating a fate! What was a retainer to do?

Destroying the thing was a requirement, but the Emperor was a shrewd and intelligent woman. Surely, if his gift were suddenly to go “missing”, it would not take her long to put two and two together.

A singularly devious plot made its way into his head. A sinister scheme, so deliciously diabolical, so massively malevolently masterful that it could only have come from his mind!

Edelgard wouldn’t have time to investigate his gift’s disappearance, not if _they all disappeared_!

And so, Hubert put in motion his plot to save himself by ruining Christmas. He waited until Edelgard finally retired to her room, taking the very wagon the wannabe-Santa wielded to enact his anti-festive scheme.

Like a shadow, he slunk through the castle halls, scooping a gift away from each door!

A new lance for Peri, an axe for Orsin, and a sword for Zihark were all swept into his pile, balanced atop Mordecai’s stuffed birds and Flora’s fireproof blanket.

He plucked Gaius’ treats, yoinked Jeorge’s hair gel, and took a tiara from every last Tiki.

When one wagon wasn’t enough, the wrapped one outside of Merlinus’ room served nicely, just in time to be stocked with Joshua’s coins, Tharja’s tomes, and whatever in the world Edelgard had gotten Hel, because not even Hubert could guess.

And when he’d taken all the gifts, he had another idea!

Cackling, he caroused in the kitchens, spilling Virion’s wine and spoiling Dorcas’ mutton!

With sufficient chaos created, he returned to his room, to complete the one task that still awaited completion. There, before his door, rested the final gift to swipe, the catalyst of the evening’s mischief.

There, in all of its lumpy terror, sat his own horrific gift. Arm trembling with the slightest fright, he drew it close, inhaling deeply.

He had to look at it. Had to be absolutely sure the blight of the sweater was scoured from Askr forever when he cast it into wherever the nearest hellhole was.

Drawing back into the safety of his own chambers, Hubert set to his grim work, loosening the bow and unwrapping the gift box. He set the wrapping paper aside (no sense in wasting such nice paper) and came face to face with a plain cardboard box. Steeling his stomach, he tore the lid away to find…

Tissue paper. Little more than an array of bunched up tissue paper, filling the box as far as the eye could see. Perturbed, he began to sift through it, knocking tissues aside only to find more and more of them! In his frustration, he barely noticed when his pinky finger collided with something hard deep in the box. Curious, he grabbed hold of it and pulled, revealing the object hidden inside the layers of tissue.

To Hubert’s surprise, he had a hold on the handle of a ceramic coffee mug. It was smaller than his personal mug back in Fodlan, the material of far lower quality, but the shape and heft of it in his hand were warmly familiar. A note sat curled inside.

“Hubert, I apologize for the deception. I knew someone as astute as you would easily be able to guess his gift from shape and size alone, so I was forced to get a bit creative.

This gift in no way makes up for the years of support you have shown me, but I can only hope that it reminds you of one of the most pleasant aspects of home.

With my eternal gratitude,  
Edelgard”

Looking back at the mug, Hubert spun it around to reveal lettering, written in the tellingly shaky hand of Adrestia’s greatest Emperor and worst artist.

“FODLAN’S GREATEST FRIEND”

And what happened then?

Well, in Askr they say,

Count Vestra’s heart grew three sizes that day.

Ventricles full to bursting with Christmas cheer, Hubert sprang into action, his face going pale as he looked behind him at the sheer scale of holiday destruction he had wrought! Thankfully, Hubert was no stranger to burning the midnight oil, and it was with all the speed that he had set out swiping the gifts that he set to returning them. Striding as quickly as his long legs could take him, he traced his own path back through the castle halls, tossing gifts back into their places like some sort of goth Santa Claus.

He returned Rath’s horse brush, Effie’s training weights, Nils’ recorder, Camilla’s bath salts, Ilyana’s regular salts, and all of the rest.

When he came upon the kitchen, he swiftly replaced the wine (magically, of course, an ex-poisoner had to have his tricks) and whipped up a whole new leg of mutton (non-magically, poisoning was hungry work.)

Before he knew it, his task was done, the halls as decked as they had ever been, gifts waiting as Heroes slept soundly in their beds (except for Eir, who does not sleep).

But there was one last thing for Hubert to do.

He jogged out into the night air, towards the road to the castle town, and over the horizon as the moon hung high in the sky.

As the sun rose on Christmas morning in Askr, the air was alive with joy. The castle’s inhabitants set to enjoying the holiday with their families, many of whom had been separated for some time, and good cheer filled the halls.

For most, at least.

For Edelgard, the first difficulty was getting out her own door.

The frustrated Emperor groaned as she shoved against it again, fighting whatever (or whoever) was in the hallway and blocking the entrance to her bedroom.

“Hello?” she shouted, arms crossed. “I am in need of some assistance!”

“At once, Your Majesty.” came a voice from the hall.

After a moment, a surprisingly disheveled Hubert entered the room, a mug of coffee in his right hand and an utterly massive clump of plush fur in his right.

“What in the world is-” Edelgard began, as she watched her retainer rest his new mug on a desk near the door. Both hands free now, Hubert pulled with both hands, gradually tugging an enormous red teddy bear through the entrance to Edelgard’s room.

She watched, eyes wide, as the titanic stuffed animal was turned to face her.

“This, it appears, was the culprit, Lady Edelgard.”

“What...who in the world got that for me?”

Chuckling, Hubert took a sip from his coffee.

“I suppose it must have been Santa Claus.”

He chuckled, joyfully, even if it still ended up sounding a little ominous.

“Merry Christmas, Lady Edelgard.”

**Author's Note:**

> Super Secret Author's Notes:  
> \- I know post-skip Hubert isn't in Heroes yet but I trust your imagination.  
> \- Edelgard absolutely did buy the sweater, but she gave it to Ferdinand.  
> \- he loves it
> 
> Well, this fic has been a very long time coming!
> 
> I actually began with writing the first page or so over a year ago, but nothing much came of it. After this difficult 2020, I found myself wanting to write something silly and joyful to cap off the year, and ended up drifting back to this long-abandoned draft. I very much enjoyed getting to go back and finish it up.
> 
> I know the holidays can be a difficult time for many, so I want to close this out with my best wishes. No matter where you are or what you celebrate, I hope the days are cheerful, and if any of my silly stories can put a smile on your face, that's all I really want from them.
> 
> Feedback is always welcome, I'm overjoyed to get comments down below, and I hope you have a lovely day!
> 
> Happy Holidays!


End file.
